moneyballer | IC CONTACT;

It's not stupid when you put it that way.

[Jin stretches his legs out so they hang off the edge of the bed, and his hands, looking for something to occupy them, smooth the already-set bedspread absently.]

...I read a lot when I was a kid. [he begins, after a moment of thoughtful silence.] Whatever I could get my hands on. But you know the stuff I like best. History, politics, stuff about other realms and worlds. At least that way there was an excuse for it when I kept getting into fights with my classmates. Being the smart one me feel better about myself-- like I was better than them... 'cause if I wasn't going to hold up the family legacy proper, I could at least do that much.

[He stops again.

There's a soft noise of fabric shifting over fabric, the mattress seeming to sigh without the burden of the man's weight upon it, as Jin gets back to his feet.]

I didn't know it was that personal.

[Asher won't face him, but he doesn't need to see his face to sense the depth of those feelings. The loneliness of someone who tried his best to pull others closer to no avail, rather than to push away in a defense built up slowly over years, brick upon brick of hurt stacked high.

What a pair the two of them are.]

I'm sorry.

[Asher listens as he always does, even if the information doesn't really surprise him. Jin has always loved history, politics, and museums- Because he's smart.]

That's the thing.

[He presses his forehead against the wood atop the closet opening, miming as though he's searching for something inside. In reality, he just doesn't want to face Jin.]

Most of my heroes aren't warriors, or even real people. And the ones I knew in real life, they-

[Fuck.

Just get it out, damn it.]

Weren't as awesome as I thought they were. And maybe that's my fault.

[Maybe, just maybe, he had hoped for too much.]

I shouldn't get so worked up about dumb stuff! God, I wish I didn't care. I'm still so mad, right now...

[A vicious beast peeks out from the recesses of his mind, ever-present, baring its teeth.]

I'm sorry, too.

[Its claws dig into the fleshy tissue that rests inside his skull.]

I'm such a loser.

Edited 2017-09-18 23:12 (UTC)

[Jin steps forward quietly, like he's worried he'll scare Asher away with his touch.]

I'm not dating any kinda loser.

[Slowly, gently, Jin's arms wrap around him from behind, pulling him into the warmth of his embrace even as Asher struggles to climb out of the anxieties he wrestles within his own mind. It's his first instinct, just to have him in his arms, when the words to comfort just won't come. (The wounds aren't as fresh in Jin's own heart, but they're there; he'd been the loser, too, the let-down, the boy with heroes and a destiny that'd failed him altogether.) He holds him there, the shape of him settling against his body wordlessly until--]

I'm striking that "break-up" from the record, by the way. Never happened. [OK HE KNEW IT WAS FAKE BUT JUST LET HIM MAKE THE JOKE,,,,]

[Jin turns his head a little, pressing an affectionate kiss to Asher's shoulder.]

Tell me what's really on your mind, Ash.

[His heart jumps at that rush of physical contact, the warmth that is familiar from arms strong enough to lift him and his lousy spirits up.

However, this time is unlike the last. Resentment builds in his chest and he begins to hate himself again, nose curling upwards in disgust at nobody other than his miserable self. Here is a someone who loves him, a good person, better than he deserves, and for some reason all he can focus on is the darkness behind the layers of the clothing, terrifying like the demons in his mind. The poison that is self-hate colors his perceptions and the closet appears longer momentarily, like a corridor, containing all the people and things that made him hate himself in the first place.

Between them stand a few familiar faces. The few who have believed in him, the others he has loved. One is standing right beside him now, physically, and yet he still can't even muster up the courage to answer that question.]

I'm just bein' weird.

[There is a sickness inside of him, one he had hoped love would cure.

The other four have it too, as does their teacher.]

It's not your fault.

Edited 2017-09-19 00:33 (UTC)

Go easy on that guy. I like him.

[His chin rests on Asher's shoulder as Jin pulls him in closer. His eyes drift toward the carefully-stored outfits hung up in that closet, studying the bulky outlines behind the clear plastic of the garment bags, like they'll give him some sort of answer.]

If weird was an issue before, it sure as hell isn't now.

[He sighs, blinking into that darkness, trying to follow Asher's gaze and catching none of it.]

Try me.

[He lets himself be pulled in this time, resisting the urge to reach out and touch Jin's fingers with his own. How many times will the other, younger man have to take care of him?]

I'm a shitty boyfriend, and a shitty person.

[Impending doom is on the horizon, what with the Zymandis infiltration mission just around the corner. He should be honing his skills, working on his cover story, and ultimately preparing for the worst. If they are discovered it may very well be the end of time as they know it, and that should be at the center of the listless space that is his consciousness. Instead he is worried about stupid things because he is a stupid thing.

He has no real reason to be upset, or so he thinks.]

I'm sorry.

[A repeat of what he'd uttered just seconds prior.]

I don't wanna be like this.

[He manages to pull the tie up and over his head, thrusting it onto the nearest flat surface, which happens to be the same one the trophy rests on.

So many questions, and yet he has still not laid it out, plain and simple.

What bothers him most.]

[There's only so much more time. Only so many more quiet moments like this that he will be able to steal; only so many times he'll be able to wake up beside him in the morning. Jin's eyes close tightly. He inhales, and what he breathes in is the sharp clean scent of freshly laundered shirt, the lingering and now familiar aroma of Asher Millstone's cologne.]

I make fun of you, and you say you're the shitty boyfriend? [murmurs Jin into his shoulder.] C'mon.

[Jin's faced apocalypse before. He's encountered death, grief, the pain of his body tossed about and bruised and broken-- but he has never been in love like this before, and gods above, if he's never had it, how could he even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose it?]

It's fine. You're good. You're more than good enough for me.

[Jin's fingers tug and fumble for the buttons down the front of Asher's shirt. They take hold, and, one by one, undo them, top to bottom.]

[Perhaps it's all a matter of perspective, but the end of the world does not frighten him as much as the potential of losing Jin forever. The violence is unpleasant, sure, as is the ever-present looming potential of death. Somehow, Asher has gotten used to all of that despite only being exposed to it for a year, by virtue of of not having any other options. He can't escape his fears, whether they be of mortality or never being good enough, but he can do this.

He lets Jin tug the fabric off his shoulders, finally reaching out to take that freckle-covered hand.]

I haven't been there for you like I should've-

[Fingers intertwine. The tone of Asher's voice is familiar.

Resentment, self-inflicted.]

It's been a really messed up couple of weeks.

[The shirt-- contrary to Jin's usual neatness-- is abandoned, tossed casually onto Asher's bed. Jin misses and it slips from the edge of the bed and into a pile on the floor below.]

Yeah?

[Stepping so he's actually beside Asher, Jin's fingers run carefully over those of his partner, peering at him expectantly.]

Didn't you literally run clear across the castle to bring me something from the kitchens this week? Also, yesterday, you gave me a back massage for like a full hour.

[Asher finally plops down onto the bed, although he does not let go of Jin's hand.

He hears the sound of a woman crying amidst the backdrop of waves crashing, then a gunshot. Suddenly, he is in his father's study again, although there is no sound accompanying the images that come flooding back, only the bitter, disappointed look on that old croon's face as he ushered his own flesh and blood out the door.]

Yeah, I did.

[The air is still around them as Jin hovers about. Asher doesn't really take notice of anything but the dead space in front of him, forcing the next few words out like an object being thrust from a windpipe.]

Sometimes I feel like I'm not important.

[It's not a huge surprise, even if Jin had hoped those feelings had eased up some. If he's still warring with himself about doing enough for the cause... how much moreso for someone who hadn't grown up with the end of the world hovering over his head?]

On the team? Or just...

At all?

Both, I guess.

[Saying that out loud feels good. It lifts some of the weight off his shoulders.

He may not be wonderful, he may not be great, but there are others here who have just as much darkness (if not more)
in their pasts, and they are here today, kind and good.

Kind and good.]

I think that's why I got so mad.

[He finally makes eye contact.]

I know that... I'm not from a world that's ending, and I know that my family's fine and nobody's at war-

[That he knows, anyway.]

But my problems, the things I care about...

They're mine. Y'know?

[Jin releases Asher's hand for a moment as he takes a seat close beside Asher, leaning up against him.]

Yeah. I get you.

[He takes his hand in his own once more and squeezes.]

You're plenty important to me. You know that too, right?

[One day they will discuss the topic further. Asher has been made uncomfortable by recent conversations, particularly those that suggest that warriors are the only useful teammates. He hates being seen as a weakling, a burden, but isn't he just as useless in his own world?

For now, however, he is tired, tired enough to relinquish all of his petty bullshit and roll over and onto his side, nestling his way into Jin's lap.

Sometimes, this is the only place where he feels he truly belongs.]

Uh-huh.

[Asher brings the knuckle in his grasp to his lips, pressing a soft kiss against it.]

I do.

[At least this time he agreed-- and meant it. Jin makes way for Asher to lie in his lap.]

Good.

[This isn't over yet, but it's a start. It's enough for him. Enough for today. The fingers of his free hand carefully weave their way through his hair, massaging the scalp and moving through the curls.]

[Slowly, the fog in his mind begins to clear.

With each breath he inhales, a familiar, comforting scent enters his nostrils, and Asher is reminded of how limited his time may be here. Not here on this team or in this castle, but here, in the warmth of Kung Jin's lap. If he had grown into the presentable sort, the type of man his father and mother had wanted to him to be, perhaps he wouldn't cherish this. Wouldn't relish being taken care of, or being undressed and put to bed like some kind of infant.

But oh god, is it nice to have the privilege of acting like brat and knowing that at least one person wont-]

You really hurt my feelings.

[Leave.

The words are barely audible, muffled, as Asher's face is practically buried in Jin's thigh.

You made me feel so small.]

Edited 2017-09-21 05:24 (UTC)

I know. [he murmurs back.

It's old habit, a remnant of the way he picks at vulnerability, a well-honed offense as defense. Just teasing. But it hadn't been quite right today-- just the wrong soft spot to touch at the wrong time. Jin's hand slows and stops, fingers entwined with Asher's dark hair.]

I didn't mean it, but I still shouldn't have made fun of you anyway.

[He of all people should know better. Moreso that they've been here over and over again; that Jin's put himself here, prepared to mend the wounds or hand Asher the tools to mend them himself.]

Sorry.

[Get up.

Annalise's voice rings in his ears, filled with the disdain and contempt that almost always seemed present on her face when he looked at her, save for maybe the handful of times he was actually playing into her hands. Once again, he reminds himself that hardly any of this is really about Jin or any variety of multi-talented celebrities. Asher has been at war with himself constantly as of recent, save for the few moments of refuge he shares with the man he loves or any other one of his seemingly dwindling number of close friends.

He forces himself up from that comfortable place, however reluctantly, shifting himself to a seated position beside Jin, hands folded neatly between legs that dangle over the side of the mattress.]

No, no, listen-

[Jin can't know how he's feeling, though. Not if he doesn't speak up.]

I'm the one who should be sorry.

[Another long, drawn-out sigh leaves him.]

I've said way worse things to you, before, and you've forgiven me every time, even when I didn't deserve it.

[Asher reaches out to hold one of Jin's hands again, squeezing it this time.]

I may care about a lot of stupid stuff, but you're more important to me than... Well, all of it.

Edited 2017-09-22 17:02 (UTC)

[Asher moves with so little warning that Jin can't help but to blink stupidly as he sits up, fingers loose in Asher's hand.]

Well, yeah. What, did you think I really believed you were gonna break up with me over Beyonce?

[He smiles, sheepish, and his gaze is warm as the fervor in Asher's eyes speaks volumes far louder than the words that've left his lips. And Jin remembers the worse Asher speaks of-- he hadn't deserved the forgiveness, it was true,
but--]

I love you. That means I don't stop loving you when you say stuff you don't really mean... because I know you'd still love me if I did the same.

[He's nearly dumbstruck by the weight of his own words: since when did he know that? Since when was he wise enough to really, in his heart, believe in it? Jin squeezes Asher's hand, his mind skimming across all these months together, over all of the petty arguments and offenses-- and, truly, he can't remember most of them.]

You're that important to me too.

[Leave it to Kung Jin to out-do him even at his own game, that of gushing relentlessly.

Asher eats those words up in no time, a doofy grin spreading over his face as he listens, stiff body language gradually giving way to something more whimsy, comical. Fluid. He bounces up and down like a lima bean in a cartoon, resting his chin on Jin's shoulder and looking up at him with hopeful, silly eyes.]

Yey.

[yes, yey. not yay. the meme version.]

[ok he loves his bf leave him ? ?? alonE]

Never mind. I take it back.

[...says Jin, releasing Asher's hand and wrapping an arm around him to pull his weirdo boyfriend close. he meant what he said. no amount of memes could change it.]

[asher, unfortunately, also drapes (a now bare) arm around his unsuspecting bf]

You luuuuuuurve me.

[laughing, he twists around, trying to make a grab for Asher's face while he's still close--]

Oh yeah? What're you gonna do about it?

[!!!!!!!!!!!!]

[❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️]

Soooo...

Is this the part where we make out?

Edited 2017-09-23 08:19 (UTC)

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pummelling - 2017-09-23 08:27 (UTC) - Expand

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moneyballer - 2017-09-23 08:33 (UTC) - Expand

IC CONTACT;

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honestly for anybuddy reading this thread like, i'm sorry for the lack of earned introspection

loRD

this is horrifying

gags

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