asher fuckboy millstone (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
moneyballer) wrote2016-08-01 12:04 pm
moneyballer) wrote2016-08-01 12:04 pmIC CONTACT;
username: I CAN B UR DADDY | ✉ ☏ 📷 |
moneyballer) wrote2016-08-01 12:04 pm
username: I CAN B UR DADDY | ✉ ☏ 📷 |
action
By the time that Asher's returned from the bathroom, he's propped up on an elbow, scrubbing away almost childishly at the sleep that clings to his eyes. He can't fall asleep again, so he may as well commit. Particularly now that he's gotten a good sense for when something is feeling off.]
You ok?
[Gods, he's still only half conscious, though.]
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A hand goes to cup Jin's cheek immediately, thumb stroking the warm skin softly, as if to calm him.]
Yeah, I'm good.
[Agh, he's an idiot.
Jin needs all the sleep he can get.]
Did I wake you up? Fuck.
I'm sorry.
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The comforting hand on his cheek, for what it's worth, works. It'd been one of the more fitful nights to begin with, so he's too tired to feel any degree of irritation at Asher.
He grunts in answer, blinking sleepily up at Asher.]
S'fine.
[Words... he can do words. C'mon, Jin.]
You were on the network...? Nobody's hurt?
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With his hair down and no fight left in his features, he almost seems like a different person. Asher finds that he likes this side of him, the quieter man, the homebody.
He feels like the type of person you could spend hours on end with without feeling frightened.]
Uh-huh.
[He turns his hand over, letting the back of it drift down the other's neck and collarbone in a reassuring gesture.]
I was just messin' around, don't worry.
You okay?
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[Obviously.]
Worried 'bout you. [Somewhat less so, but still fairly obvious. He continues, the syllables slowly composing themselves as he wakes up, just a little more.] You only text weird crap at weird hours when you're drunk or nervous. I know we don't have anything anymore, 'cause... [he yawns, and pauses, taking in the feel of Asher's touch.] That was when you wanted me to laugh at whatever you were messaging Keats.
[Jin blinks again, owlishly.]
Talk to me.
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[Asher lies limp amidst the fabric of their comforter, pressing his cheek into the pillow.
He feels ashamed of the little jump his heart does when he hears Jin utter the word worry, because it's so nice to be worth worrying about. His selfishness is what caused all this, and he feels a little more like he did in the bathroom, ugly and undeserving.
Quietly, he answers that earnest demand.]
Do you remember that time back in January? When I-
[A scoff.]
Kind of, uhhhh. Lost it?
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[His eyebrows knit together. Asher, with raw, ruined knuckles, had cried on him and knocked right out, dead asleep-- only to wake up in the evening. That hadn't been an encounter to forget.]
You slept like a baby after. [oh no] It was cute. [oh... no, stop talking]
Is this about that?
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he was gonna confess but then u called his pale ass cute]
What?
[Soft brows pinch together, his forehead wrinkling in quiet disbelief.
God, shit. Had Jin been harboring feelings for longer than he'd expected?]
You thought that was cute?
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Jin groans and sinks back into the pillows, running a hand over his face. It's so sappy. He's kind of mortified.]
Y... yeah. I kissed you, actually. On the forehead.
[Ugh?!??]
Sorry, that's weird, isn't it. That was before you told me how you felt.
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No, it's not weird.
[Honesty. This is the time to be honest.]
Because I still liked you.
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[Jin's hand slides away, and he gives Asher a tired smile. Obviously it'd been true if they'd wound up together, but it's still nice to hear it validated, and to see Asher ease up a little.
This is getting off the subject though. Jin raises an eyebrow at him, urging him onto the original topic with a look.]
So... you lost it. Why?
1/2
The sheets smelled like you and I liked that. I wanted to stay there forever and run away at the same time, I just didn't know what to do because somewhere deep down, I didn't think you would want me that way, even though you were into dudes and everything...
[Inhale, exhale.
Tell the truth.]
I freaked out because I hurt somebody.
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It was pretty bad.
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Action is better. It is not always better, as he's had beaten upside his head over and over and over again over these months with ALASTAIR, but here, it feels that way so it must be. Jin shuffles closer, wrapping his arms around Asher in silence.
Great timing for that next bit.]
In Oska? Or on mission?
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On a mission.
[Nami had forgiven him easily, and so had Miles.
Jin already knows the worst thing, the very worst thing about him...
So why is this so hard?]
Back in PR.
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Jin exhales. He had expected that Asher, one day, would've had to stain his hands like Jin and many of the rest of their teammates. Q-65 was hardly a gentle planet; Asher, in spite of his inexperience and kindness, was a survivor.]
Asher...
[He has, of course, already assumed the worst.]
It was an accident, then. Or self-defense.
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They are as far apart as they could possibly be now, although he's trapped by strong arms that remain where they are.
This is not a courtroom, it is an intimate space, but somehow that makes everything worse.]
Right.
[Both, both is what he should've said.]
I didn't mean for it to happen, it-
[And here is where the fabric of his reality begins to crumble at it's edges, because he cannot possibly understand how some of his teammates enjoy the act of killing or have learned to feel nothing at all, because seeing something die in front of you is like watching your worst nightmare come to life.
That body could've been his.]
It just did.
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If anything, he's wide awake now. His voice gains no volume, but it does take on a clearer, more decisive tone.]
You were doing what you had to do. Nobody could blame you for that. Not even if it went wrong.
[There's one thing that Jin knows for certain: Asher wouldn't hurt, much less kill, someone for no reason at all.
Here, now, having veered so far away from a life and an Asher neither of them are truly going to know? He can actually be right.]
It was an accident. Not like you did what you did on purpose.
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[His one saving grace had been the constant (though somewhat annoying) reminder that Hiruma was still alive. He is no longer here, now, and while Asher is relieved on his friend's behalf, it's so much easier to remember the bad when the good isn't there in the flesh, standing right next to you and swatting you with a manila folder.]
But that doesn't change the fact that it's fucked up.
[That he's fucked up.]
And I've been working so hard to be better, I j-just...
[What if he's always meant to be this way?
Worthless, Unlovable.]
I'm sorry.
[He shakes his head almost violently, closing his eyes.
This is not the time for a pity party. He saw Jin picking fights on the network, the shaolin is clearly on edge too.]
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...And, besides. I definitely remember somebody telling me I didn't have to be invincible.
[Not that it isn't still a struggle. He doesn't want to feel helpless, waiting on the scientists of their team to come up with a cure and holding down the fort, so to speak, day after day in the meantime; he doesn't want to snap at people as much as he does, because in his heart he knows he shouldn't be driving a wedge into the team now, of all times. But he's stressed, he's frustrated, and he isn't perfect, nor is he ever going to be, and every day, he gets better at remembering that much.]
It's okay, Asher.
[The moment that Asher closes his eyes, Jin leans in close, pressing a kiss to his partner's forehead.]
You're doing fine.
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Asher forces his eyes shut, the words sounding so far apart from each other. Jin's voice is kind and he doesn't mean it like that, as there are other letters and syllables and pauses in between-
Fine should be alright, fine should be okay. At least a week ago, he was perfectly happy with fine.
That satisfaction fluctuates, some days he feels like he's really nailed it (rarely, momentarily), and then others it seemed as if he's missed the mark by a thousand miles. But he's done enough to earn Jin's love, hasn't he? And that hasn't been easy.]
I want to be able to do this.
[How foolish.]
I want to! I do, I just...
I wonder sometimes what I'm really cut out for, is all. You know what you wanna be, right? Or where?
I'm not sure I do anymore. Not like that.
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[But then, he'd already dealt with these questions of identity: he knows how to deal and falter less, even if he can't quite get it perfectly. Now, onboard with ALASTAIR, it's all being challenged all over again-- his place in the fabric of his family's destiny, his role as a part of the team, what he's good at, what he still needs, sorely, to work on over and over until he can finally get it even close to right.]
But who knows what's gonna happen after this mission? Or the one after that?
[Much less when they all go home. But he can't afford to consider that, not right now.]
Give yourself some more time. You'll figure things out as you go. You're talking to an expert of fake it 'till you make it, too, so you know my advice is pretty sound. And you already know that I believe in you.
You can do it.
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It's time like these when he understands that, for a fact, he is incredibly lucky.
A lifetime spent in a house that now seems more and more like a gilded cage has left him with an understanding of what it meant to have joy constantly slipping through his fingertips. He thought he knew what it meant to feel loved, despite the sinking feeling that something had always been missing, and that there was ice beneath a thin layer that had always felt lukewarm at best.
Slowly, he nuzzles his way into the space between Jin's neck and left shoulder.
Oh.
This is what love really feels like.]
I hope you're right.
[Asher lets out a low hum after taking in a deep breath.
Jin smells good.]
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[No you're not, Jin.
He closes his eyes as Asher takes his spot in the crook of his neck and leans his head against his. The warmth's already lulling Jin back to sleep-- he'd talk some more, prepared to reassure Asher of how much he matters as much as he needs to hear, if only he could stay awake a little longer.
They can talk about accidents, and the blood on his hands, and of death another time.]
Love you. [he mumbles into Asher's hair.] Go to sleep.
[In this particular moment, he's curled up with a person he loves in a place that is safe. That matters. That, in the end, is worth all of this trouble.]
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[That earns Jin a laugh, and a light swat to the arm.]
Asshole.
[The words may seem harsh, but the tone is affectionate, warm, like the way Asher's smile feels against the monk's skin.]
Love you too.
[He places one last kiss to the other's neck before whispering:]
G'night.