moneyballer | IC CONTACT;

And I know that, in my head.

[His one saving grace had been the constant (though somewhat annoying) reminder that Hiruma was still alive. He is no longer here, now, and while Asher is relieved on his friend's behalf, it's so much easier to remember the bad when the good isn't there in the flesh, standing right next to you and swatting you with a manila folder.]

But that doesn't change the fact that it's fucked up.

[That he's fucked up.]

And I've been working so hard to be better, I j-just...

[What if he's always meant to be this way?

Worthless, Unlovable.]

I'm sorry.

[He shakes his head almost violently, closing his eyes.

This is not the time for a pity party. He saw Jin picking fights on the network, the shaolin is clearly on edge too.]

So you screwed up. And it was a big screw-up. [Jin shrugs a shoulder, smiling at Asher sadly.] Terrible things happen, but what measures you, I suppose, is how you build yourself back up from them. [And hell if Asher isn't remorseful over what he did, showing up to Jin like he had back in Oska...]

...And, besides. I definitely remember somebody telling me I didn't have to be invincible.

[Not that it isn't still a struggle. He doesn't want to feel helpless, waiting on the scientists of their team to come up with a cure and holding down the fort, so to speak, day after day in the meantime; he doesn't want to snap at people as much as he does, because in his heart he knows he shouldn't be driving a wedge into the team now, of all times. But he's stressed, he's frustrated, and he isn't perfect, nor is he ever going to be, and every day, he gets better at remembering that much.]

It's okay, Asher.

[The moment that Asher closes his eyes, Jin leans in close, pressing a kiss to his partner's forehead.]

You're doing fine.

[Screw up, big screw up.

Asher forces his eyes shut, the words sounding so far apart from each other. Jin's voice is kind and he doesn't mean it like that, as there are other letters and syllables and pauses in between-

Fine should be alright, fine should be okay. At least a week ago, he was perfectly happy with fine.

That satisfaction fluctuates, some days he feels like he's really nailed it (rarely, momentarily), and then others it seemed as if he's missed the mark by a thousand miles. But he's done enough to earn Jin's love, hasn't he? And that hasn't been easy.]

I want to be able to do this.

[How foolish.]

I want to! I do, I just...

I wonder sometimes what I'm really cut out for, is all. You know what you wanna be, right? Or where?

I'm not sure I do anymore. Not like that.

I... I think so.

[But then, he'd already dealt with these questions of identity: he knows how to deal and falter less, even if he can't quite get it perfectly. Now, onboard with ALASTAIR, it's all being challenged all over again-- his place in the fabric of his family's destiny, his role as a part of the team, what he's good at, what he still needs, sorely, to work on over and over until he can finally get it even close to right.]

But who knows what's gonna happen after this mission? Or the one after that?

[Much less when they all go home. But he can't afford to consider that, not right now.]

Give yourself some more time. You'll figure things out as you go. You're talking to an expert of fake it 'till you make it, too, so you know my advice is pretty sound. And you already know that I believe in you.

You can do it.

[I believe in you.

It's time like these when he understands that, for a fact, he is incredibly lucky.

A lifetime spent in a house that now seems more and more like a gilded cage has left him with an understanding of what it meant to have joy constantly slipping through his fingertips. He thought he knew what it meant to feel loved, despite the sinking feeling that something had always been missing, and that there was ice beneath a thin layer that had always felt lukewarm at best.

Slowly, he nuzzles his way into the space between Jin's neck and left shoulder.

Oh.

This is what love really feels like.]

I hope you're right.

[Asher lets out a low hum after taking in a deep breath.

Jin smells good.]

I'm always right.

[No you're not, Jin.

He closes his eyes as Asher takes his spot in the crook of his neck and leans his head against his. The warmth's already lulling Jin back to sleep-- he'd talk some more, prepared to reassure Asher of how much he matters as much as he needs to hear, if only he could stay awake a little longer.

They can talk about accidents, and the blood on his hands, and of death another time.]

Love you. [he mumbles into Asher's hair.] Go to sleep.

[In this particular moment, he's curled up with a person he loves in a place that is safe. That matters. That, in the end, is worth all of this trouble.]

Tch!

[That earns Jin a laugh, and a light swat to the arm.]

Asshole.

[The words may seem harsh, but the tone is affectionate, warm, like the way Asher's smile feels against the monk's skin.]

Love you too.

[He places one last kiss to the other's neck before whispering:]

G'night.

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