moneyballer | IC CONTACT;

Oh, I know it is. I've known people like him before. Not exactly, but . . .

[Well, and it's not as though he wants to tell Asher about Abbacchio, who was never his friend, and the way he saw the inside of the man's torso on the day of his death, and how it took weeks to get him a proper burial. No, but he does pause, and sighs a little, resting his chin on his hand on the other end of the line.]

He wants to be respected. And he wants . . . he wants a lot of things. Maybe he doesn't even know what he wants. But I can tell he cares about the people here. Mm, being critical is sometimes just a way of showing that. Not everyone can be honest about their feelings.

I think it's that he wants to fix things.

And boy, I get that! I'm the same way.

[Because for so long, Asher has such a seemingly pristine, limited existence. Where moral quandaries seem easy, where the reach and breadth of such things is small...

Only recently has he begun to notice the cracks in those white walls.]

But, the more time I spend here, the more I realize...

[Giorno will hear a faint, sad sound, as though his voice is breaking. The following lesson has been a very difficult one for him to learn.]

That's not always possible.

Sometimes your best is all you can do. So you just gotta give it your all.

[Giorno realizes, very distantly, that he likes Asher Millstone. He didn't expect to. He came into this conversation irritated and expected to leave that way, but . . . he feels better. Or he feels as though he should feel better, as though this is the sort of thing that should make him happy. Someone feels the way you feel, he tells himself; why aren't you smiling?]

[He isn't, though. He isn't smiling. He's just worried, as though the bottom's dropped out of his own stomach, as though he's looking at himself from the outside, seeing all the mistakes he's going to make and the pain that's going to drown him.]

[Sometimes your best is all you can do.]

[He looks down at his hands.]

You're right.

[He doesn't say I hate that you're right, but he sure doesn't sound happy about it.]

Sometimes, no matter what you can do, no matter how extraordinary of a person you are, no matter what powers you have or don't, your best isn't good enough. But if you give up, you're not really human anymore, I don't think.

It's not just you. I hope you know that.

[The disappointment in Giorno's voice is all too familiar, mostly because Asher feels it himself every damn day. He wasn't expecting to make another friend this way, but it's nice to know that there are other people here who maybe think before they do dangerous things.]

Yeah, I...

[He's right.

The 1L had watched some of the strongest people he knew limp around after Koltira went apeshit and carried a warrior on his shoulder worrying that it'd be the last time he saw him. Strong is not a word Asher would use to describe himself, and maybe he's not heroic or worldly or clever...

But he does care, very much and very intensely, and that has to count for something.]

I really needed to hear that. Thank you.

[The younger boy may sound fine, but-]

You're okay, right?

[There's a long moment when he doesn't respond because, frankly, he doesn't know how to. He isn't used to hearing that--could probably count the times it's happened on one hand, and even then only in the last six months, if he's being honest. He still doesn't know how to respond, doesn't have the words, and he can't just not say anything.]

[He can't help but be suspicious, though. Just like always. He hasn't suspected Asher's motivation until now, but when kindness is turned on him he feels cornered. It can't possibly be real.]

Of course.

[He lies as easily and seamlessly as breathing. Even if he trusted in someone else's investment in his well-being, he doesn't have the luxury of weakness. In all likelihood, he never will again. Not until they find him again--Polnareff, Mista, Trish, Fugo--and then there will be a breath of fresh air before he dives under the water again. Asher is not the oasis for Giorno that he seems to want to be.]

You don't need to worry about me. I'm very resilient.

[Contrary to Giorno's suspicions, this is one of the few times where Asher is truly being himself.]

Everybody cracks, dude.

[There are no convoluted schemes, no artfully constructed farces whirling about in his head.

He's as simple as can be.]

It's chill, aite? I'm the last person who'd judge you for feelin' tired.

I don't mind who judges me.

[This is true, at least. He couldn't give less of a fuck who thinks he's doing the wrong thing, or the right thing the wrong way; if he did, he wouldn't be the person he is now. He probably wouldn't even be alive.]

[It's less an issue of fear of judgment and more fear of safety--but saying as much isn't safe, either.]

I'm good at pacing myself, that's all. [His voice goes a little wry.] Metaphorically, at least. I'm terribly impatient about the little things in reality, but people let me get away with it.

[He's terribly impatient to talk about literally anything else, please don't be perceptive Millstone.]

[And that is one of the many ways they are worlds apart.

Asher wishes he could be that self-assured, but the things that people think affect him in ways that aren't healthy. To some degree, he understands that. But it doesn't stop the words from piercing his fragile psyche like tiny little knives, leaving painful cuts that never seem to heal up all the way.

He's still sore, he'll always be.]

Don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

[He smiles warmly on his end.]

I'm rootin' for ya.

Edited 2016-12-14 04:34 (UTC)

[Asher is . . . rooting for him. All of the individual words make sense, of course, and even the idiomatic meaning translates after a moment, but actually parsing it takes a bit longer. He blinks a bit and then, despite himself, gives a crooked smile.]

[It's a nice thing to believe in, just for a moment or two. The idea that someone might support him unconditionally.]

Thank you. I'm . . . rooting? For you too.

[He's too simple to pick up on any inkling of doubt in the other's voice.

That and he's happy, he's finally happy for a moment.

It sounds as though he's made a friend.]

I think I have to get back to helpin' out.

But... I'll see you around, I guess?

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