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[moneyballer]

username: I CAN B UR DADDY

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[moneyballer]

[It is strange, to suddenly learn that there are people who care enough to protect you at a cost to themselves. Asher is suddenly filled with both warmth and something less palatable, because he realizes that while Jin's behavior comes from a place of love, it is destructive too.]

Oh, buddy.

[He clicks his tongue once or twice.]

We need to talk.

[pummelling]

[That doesn't sound good. Jin raises an eyebrow in confusion.

That all made sense, didn't it? He'd wanted to protect someone he cared about, so he'd tried to take the blow himself. In his eyes, there's no problem with that.]

About what?

[moneyballer]

Listen.

[He shuffles around suddenly, withdrawing his touch and fumbling about crinkled sheets.]

You have a habit of lying to protect me. And, y'know what? I'm not mad at you for it, it's just-

[Propping himself up on his elbows, Asher rests his back against the wall.]

We need to stop keeping things from each other. I mean, that's how we got in this mess, right?

By not telling the truth?

[pummelling]

[Asher is right. He hates it, but it's the truth.

No longer placated by that source of reassuring physical contact, Jin falls into a guilty silence. t's been gnawing at him, the reality of every little lie and lie-by-omission; it runs in direct contrast to the blunt honesty he prizes in himself. It's not him, to pretend like that, even if he has proven to be very good at it in a pinch.

Lies are for enemies and last-ditch escapes, not your friends.]

I guess.

[He'd rather not make Asher worry if he didn't have to, but that's not worth losing his trust, either.]

No. You're right. No more secrets.

[moneyballer]

[Jin's nose wrinkles just a tad. Even in the dim light, Asher spots the discomfort immediately.

By no means is Asher Millstone perfect when it comes to emotional intimacy, but being a sensitive person has its perks. He isn't as quick-witted as people like Hiruma, and he definitely isn't as creative as someone like Nami, but he does know how to make others feel safe.

He brushes a stray lock of hair from his friend's forehead.]

Do you want me to go first?

[Make no mistake, it's not as though this isn't terrifying.]

[pummelling]

[And, by now, he knows exactly how to make Jin feel safe.

The gesture gets Jin to relax a bit; glancing at Asher with a touch less uncertainty, he nods.]

Please.

[It'll give him time to figure out what he's supposed to say too.]

[moneyballer]

[He continues to repeat the gesture so that they're still touching, tapping his fingers lightly against the other's scalp so it'll feel something like a massage.]

So, you know how back in Oska... When the time-bendy bugs were trying to have sex with each other-

[was that last bit rly necessary]

You went back in time, for a little bit?

[pummelling]

Wow. Blast from the past... literally. [Everything before his first ALASTAIR mission seems so far-off now that he barely thinks about his initial arrival these days.]

Yeah. I remember being about ten. You told me that you met me older than that, though, too.

[The touch puts him at ease again. He tilts his head, urging Asher's fingers into his hair.]

Keep going.

[moneyballer]

So, yeah, I definitely ran into you as a teenager.

[His hand remains where it is, but it stops moving for a moment.]

But you don't remember why, do you?

[pummelling]

[Jin shakes his head no-- being careful not to shake off Asher's hand.]

I don't remember anything. Not more than an impression here and there.

[He remembers the dark cloud of emotion that came with those difficult years, but hardly more than that. The only person he definitely remembers meeting at that time, oddly, is Olivia, though they've never been much more than cordial teammates.]

[moneyballer]

You called me, man.

[Surprise.

Asher isn't sure if Jin will make the connection, but there it is, the reason why he was so upset when Jin prodded at his poorly hidden insecurities. It was because at the time, after what happened between them, the lawyer-to-be was so sure they were friends.]

And I don't know why, because you didn't even really like me back then, but-

[His voice cracks slightly. Recalling the way the warrior's eyes were downcast makes him uncomfortable. Perhaps it was because the resemblance was suddenly so striking, because Asher Millstone knows just what it's like to wonder if things would really be any different without you, if they would be better.

Somewhere deep down, he promises himself that he will never let Jin get to that place again.]

Your face was messed up real bad.

[pummelling]

[It takes a moment for Jin to link it all together, but the dots eventually connect. That's why he'd reacted the way he had, before they'd all shipped out to Q-65; that's why they'd nearly come to blows after meeting each other again that fateful night in Perdition's Rest. His younger self had been angry; vulnerable and utterly disconnected. Even moreso in Oska where there was no escape and no refuge in anything like home. He had managed to reach out to the closest thing resembling a friend he'd had at the time-- and, of course, that'd been Asher.]

So you helped me. [He can't imagine that Asher wouldn't if he'd asked him for help, pathetic as he knew he looked.] And when it turned out I couldn't remember anything and treated you like I did the first day we'd met... [Asher, lonely as he knows him to be now, had to have taken it personally.] It felt like I was blowing you off?

[That sets those earliest days of friendship into an entirely different perspective: one that makes a lot more sense to him. Jin frowns tightly, sorting through all the thoughts running through his head.

Even early on, Asher had been trying to watch out for him.]

[moneyballer]

[A soft palm cups a freckled cheek, and Asher's expression suddenly contorts into something that resembles pain. There are no bruises now, Jin's lips are soft and not swollen, and his eyes are gentle but not downcast.]

It made me feel like I didn't matter.

[The notion of being inconsequential or unimportant has always struck a violent chord with him.]

And that doesn't mean I should've acted the way I did! I know that now, but...

That's when I started to worry about you. Because that's what you do, right?

[Both hands cradle Jin's face while the older man's voice gets remarkably softer.]

Push people away so they can't hurt you?

1/2

[pummelling]

[Hearing the truth hurts. The boy Asher remembers is, for only a moment, before him one more time: small, withdrawn sharply into himself in shame. But he can't find it within him to fight back with any kind of barb in his own defense-- in the end it'd only hurt Asher again, and prove him right.

The weakness passes, because he is not alone. Because he fears his own weakness less and less, every day.

Jin manages a thin, rueful smile, leaning his cheek into Asher's palm.] You pushed back, though. If you hadn't snapped at me like that, I probably wouldn't have paid any more attention to you.

2/2

[pummelling]

...No, wait. That's not true.

[Jin laughs. The last of the mood is dispelled.]

This is embarrassing, but ten-year-old me definitely had a huge crush on you. He just didn't know he liked boys yet.

[moneyballer]

[The way his breath hitches as soon as he watches the other's skin grow pale is audible when there's so little distance between, and immediately, both hands circle the other's waist, closing any gap between them. He wants so badly to hug the pain and fear and sadness away, but Jin's shoulders soon relax, and he even laughs a little.

Asher, too, relaxes.]

Yeah?

[A relieved smile.]

You thought I was cute, or somethin'?

[pummelling]

Are you kidding? You caught me right out of the air when I fell off that shelf. You were basically Prince Charming.

[This is gross. Jin thinks it's gross. I think it's gross. His ears are turning a little pink.............. help him.]

I did not know I was that gay as a child.

[moneyballer]

[Oh no, his ears turn red when he blushes? Cute??? This is how Asher's gonna die.]

Awwwwww.

[what is this nasally kermit voice??? stop it, don't reach out 2 pinch his face cheeks (as opposed 2 ass cheeks) lyk dis]

Did widdle Jin have a crush on big boy Asher?

[pummelling]

[THE NOISE OF DISGUST JIN MAKES... SHOVES HIS HANDS AWAY]

Don't. I'm gonna kick you out and throw you to the zombies.

[he at least looks amused??? vaguely mortified but amused.]

[moneyballer]

[Snorting, his shoulder arches backwards and they're separated once more, but only by a few inches. This is for the best, this brief pause in contact, because if they spend any more time touching each other God knows what will happen.

Oh, but how his heart swells his chest at the thought of that. Hasn't Asher always dreamed of being someone's ideal man? He's spent so much time being the rebound or the unexpected lover, so even this, it's enough to make him want to jump for joy.]

But if you do that, who's gonna keep you from getting into trouble?

[The words are spoken so innocently, it's easy to mistake the meaning behind it.

Kung Jin, he'd so easily give his own life to protect yours.]

You don't usually let people get close enough to hold you back.

[pummelling]

[Don't get too excited, Asher: that was a ten-year-old Jin's ideal. Not that Jin at twenty-three likes Asher any less, mind you.]

Good point. [Jin's quiet laughter fades into a calm, relaxed silence.] Looks like you won't be a chew toy. This time.

[Jin would never. Of course only Asher could keep him in line-- no one else could ever keep him feeling nearly as at ease as he does with him. Nor anywhere near as safe. He can scarcely remember what it was like to not feel this way, but perhaps that's his heart and not his brain doing the thinking.

He interrupts his own train of thought. He can't afford to stay on it for long.]

...Should I tell you something now?

ga....y kung jin i think we have a problem

[moneyballer]

[These parts of their conversations are harder than the belly laughs, because teetering on the edge of uncertainty has never been something either of them have handled very well in the past.]

Go ahead.

[Asher rests on his elbow, listening intently.]

im sry 2 inform u but kung jin is and has always been A Homosexual

[pummelling]

[Jin shifts, his back now flush with the wall behind him, and takes a few seconds to gather his thoughts.

The words have been bitten back for months, hanging precariously off the tip of his tongue. Now, Asher's asked honesty of him; and now, for his sake, he'll dredge up what he'd happily drowned out. To protect him, ironically-- to spare Asher the pain of empathy. He hadn't known then how Asher would've jumped to take care of him, if given the opportunity.

He should give him that chance now.

Jin inhales, then breathes out, slowly.]

I couldn't sleep properly for more than a week after I tried to take Koltira down.

[His tone's subdued. Even as comfortable as he is around Asher, it's difficult to acknowledge.] My body was fine, but it was like-- [Jin's breath hitches, just a bit.] I couldn't get my mind off it properly. Not completely.

I told you I was dealing with it and I wasn't. I shouldn't have lied.

[moneyballer]

[One would think, after all that dramatic exposition and tragic bracket text, Asher would have something nice to say.]

Yeah.

[Turns out, he's a petty son of a bitch.]

No shit.

[pummelling]

[.....okay he definitely deserved that but like????]

I said I shouldn't have lied about it.

[Irritated, he folds his arms.] You already know it's hard for me to talk about that sort of thing. [Feeling weak; being incapable. Even in the face of near-death.] And my life is friggin' crazy: it was even before ALASTAIR happened. It's not like I've never been on the losing side of a battle before.

[He hugs his arms closer to his chest.]

I mean...

What kind of Shaolin am I supposed to be if one fight gone wrong screws me up that badly? If I can't hold it together?